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This Jon Snow Dildo Is Sparking Some Interesting Game of Thrones Theories

'Long Shaft' Is a Carnal Reimagining of the King In the North's Valyrian Steel Sword

By Thompson Brandes ·
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Middle-aged married men everywhere are reeling upon the news of a new Game of Thrones dildo from Australian sex toy company Geeky Sex Toys. The aptly titled Game of Moans - Long Shaft is supposedly a direct replica of Jon Snow’s Valyrian steel sword Longclaw, except in lieu of a long icy-sharp blade capable of dicing Whites, it’s a rubber penis.

Normally, this might be the type of social media fodder you scroll through, learn about a pretty weird thing, and that’s that. But just as everything with Game of Thrones goes, the questions and speculations regarding this dildo’s significance to our favorite characters and storylines are already pouring in. Let’s head to some of the most intriguing theories we’ve stumbled upon so far.

Reddit user FacelessStan poses an interesting idea:

Despite a lack of show-presence, we know Bran’s warging capabilities are growing more and more impressive with every weirwood session. We’ve seen him warg into ravens, direwolves, and even Hodor in ancient spectacles of time. I think Bran is fully capable of warging himself into Jon’s Long Shaft. If you recall, a replica head of Jon’s direwolf, Ghost, is mounted to the base of the shaft. And it’s not like Bran is getting any action is that rickety-ass wheelchair any time soon.  I’m betting the cripple of Winterfell treats more than a few lucky ladies to a pleasant surprise before his tale is done.

GettinSomeNed47 gives us some more thought-provoking insight:

We know Long Shaft was given to Jon Snow by Lord Commander Mormont - it’s a shaft that’s belonged to the family’s bloodline for years. We also know his son, Jorah Mormont was exiled from Westeros for selling poachers to slave traders. But doesn’t that seem like a bit of a harsh punishment? Jorah’s already proven himself to be an ultra old-man horndog - immediately down to flay his skin just to try and get a little action… who’s to say he wasn’t also getting a little too handsy at local brothels with the family shaft? Rewatch the scene in “Beyond the Wall” where he turns Jon’s Long Shaft down. There’s an aroused darkness lurking behind those honorable eyes.

Interesting! Here’s our final mind-altering theory from AryaInYet13:

Book readers are already familiar with the prophecy of Azor Ahai and the Last Hero, savior of the previous Long Night. But my personal theory on this is that Jon Snow is both the reincarnation of both Azor and the Last Hero, and Long Shaft is actually Azor Ahai’s penis, NOT Jon’s. OK… hear me out: The prophecy of Lightbringer states that when the stars bleed and the cold winds blow, the warrior (Jon) shall draw from the fire a burning shaft - meaning this shaft was forged thousands of years before Jon was even born. How the hell did they know what Jon’s lap rocket looked like back then? The only person who has ever seen the King of the North’s clam hammer took an arrow to the heart long ago. Jon may be the Last Hero, but his name doesn’t belong on Long Shaft. This is all just false advertisement.

Thompson Brandes is getting sucked into another Jurassic Park movie on AMC right now.

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