Food & Drink

Why Canada Gets Whiskey-Infused Häagen-Dazs and You Don't

How Could You, Häagen-Dazs?

By Hadley Tomicki ·
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You had a feeling you should of moved to Canada back in November. But nooooooo, you had to stay here like some kind of patriot and stoically wait out four years of this national clown rodeo.

Not only did you deny yourself a life of wanton, licentious health care and not getting shot by acting like that, but you totally just lost out on boozy Häagen-Dazs. Oof.

Yes, Nestle is holding out on us. It’s got five new flavors of Häagen-Dazs ice cream made with likeable things like vodka, whiskey, rum and Irish cream. But they’re only available in Canada!! Those bastards.

Picture it. At this exact moment, Justin Trudeau and Drake are laying back in the sun, enjoying the hell out of some whiskey chocolate truffle ice cream from the brand’s Sprits line and laughing manaically at all of our country's misfortunes. While you’re being forced to do something terrible, like work. Or delineate the acts of drinking liquor and consuming ice cream. It isn’t fair.

There’s nothing more frustrating than traveling to some other country and learning its happy inhabitants all get to enjoy hazelnut Snickers (real thing) and BBQ squid Kit Kats (probably a real thing, in Japan). Then you get home and realize you’re stuck eating ice cream with mere cookie dough in it and candy bars with played-out nougat, simply because you’re a sad, disadvantaged citizen of the United States.

For this whole catastrophe, there’s clearly only one person to blame: "Ronald Mc" Donald Trump.

His isolationist postures have pushed the advancing world away from a stagnant U.S., giving rise to new geopolitical power-players. And now Swiss confectioners are shunning us, denying our citizens the delight their Frankenproducts bring as we drown deeper into global irrelevancy.

Only one question must be posed now. Does anyone know any Mounties looking to make a little extra scratch in the high-stakes world of trans-American junk smuggling?

Hadley Tomicki lives in Los Angeles. He is probably going nowhere on the 10 Freeway this very second.

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