Entertainment

Michael Phelps Is Racing a Great White Shark

We Have Questions

By Geoff Rynex ·
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Proving once more that there is no ceiling to the entertainment value of Shark Week, Michael Phelps will race a great white shark in this year's rendition. Not much information is available beyond that, so consider us tantalized. But please, before Phelps is decimated into so much chum, answer us these 13 questions:

1. Is Phelps going to be in the same body of water as the shark?

2. Assuming he’s not, does the shark have a lane? Does Phelps have to follow the shark’s line to make the race valid?

3. Was this idea conceived by Michael Phelps after a sesh with that sweet bong of his?

4. How do you get a shark to race on command?

5. Will we be seeing a shark in an Olympic-size swimming pool?

6. What stroke does Phelps go with?

7. What has Speedo concocted for Phelps for this race? Who is sponsoring the shark?

8. What kind of lunatic is responsible for scouting a racing shark? What are his criteria?

9. Does the shark get to cup? Who has the unhappy task of doing that for the shark?

10. Where can we make a bet that this goes savagely wrong?

11. Does gold taste better than silver? Asking for a shark.

12. Has Phelps come to the conclusion that his life has peaked and developed a death wish for what he believes is the only way a swimmer of his unparalleled stature can pass through the gates of the aquatic afterlife and be rightly judged by Poseidon?

13. Anyone want to come over and watch this with us?

Geoff Rynex is the only person named Geoff Rynex in the history of mankind. He would rather have the best burger than the best steak, likes hearing bartender stories and spends too much money on clothes.

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