Entertainment

Infant Terrible

Children. Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

By Hadley Tomicki

Children. They’re physically weak and basically scared of everything. Nonetheless, your horror movies come packed with the little buggers. Haunting your TVs and seeing dead people and getting themselves accidentally possessed. Worse, some of your friends have them. Here are the ones you really need to be concerned about, as taught by history’s scariest movies. You’ve been warned.

The Psychically Astute
THREAT LEVEL 1

The Psychically Astute

Think Danny from The Shining and Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense. These tykes aren’t particularly dangerous. But bad things go down when they come around. Proof that children were meant to be seen, not heard screeching “Redrum! Redrum!” Just ask Scatman Crothers.

The Possessed
THREAT LEVEL 2

The Possessed

You can identify these kids once their heads start spinning and their critiques of your pea soup recipe get a little personal. Or they come back from the dead like Gage in Pet Sematary to murder your friendly neighbor, Herman Munster. You hate when that happens.

Vitamin D–Deficient Japanese Kids
THREAT LEVEL 3

Vitamin D–Deficient Japanese Kids

These little dudes are bad news. They might interrupt Empire to crawl out of your TV like in Ringu, the original version of The Ring. Or they may just stand there being super spooky like that little boy in The Grudge. Everyone hates that kid.

It Takes a Village
THREAT LEVEL 4

It Takes a Village

Only thing worse than one creepy kid is a whole cabal of them. Like the blank-eyed towheads killing adults with their minds in Village of the Damned. Or the bible-thumping bumpkins from Children of the Corn. Those it’s arguably scarier when they grow up and attend a megachurch.

The Spawn of Satan
THREAT LEVEL APOCALYPSE

The Spawn of Satan

And now for the vilest kids on earth. Types like Rosemary’s titular baby and Damien from The Omen. Children whose daddies happen to be the actual Devil himself. That guy really gets around. Just wait until Maury gets ahold of him.

Hadley Tomicki lives in Los Angeles. He is probably going nowhere on the 10 Freeway this very second.

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