1. Root & Bone is opening Monday in the East Village.
2. Root & Bone is a farm-to-table restaurant. (Crazy concept, we know.)
3. Someday soon, a date’s going to suggest you go here. Or you’ll suggest to a date that you go here.
4. The man in charge is from a Miami spot called Yardbird.
5. Yardbird in Miami is a beloved, Beard-nominated Southern restaurant.
6. The space here was a voodoo parlor/candy store... that was actually a front for a cocaine operation.
7. Which: ... yeah, sounds pretty Miami.
8. Two of the chefs here were Top Chef contestants.
9. Every tap handle at the bar is either a bone, tooth or tusk. Ethically dubious and aesthetically pleasing.
10. There are barrels behind the bar.
11. Those barrels? Some are full of an infused bourbon cocktail that’s aging gracefully and deliciously.
12. That cocktail? It comes with a wild boar Slim Jim at brunch.
13. That Slim Jim? ... We got nothing. Still, pretty cool.
14. They charge you for bread service (clearly they’ve got the New York thing down already).
15. Said bread service involves some crazy biscuits, cornbread and cheddar waffles.
16. The buckets of sweet-tea-brined, pickled-lemon-dusted, boozy-Tabasco-honey-covered fried chicken: yeah, you’ll want those.
17. There’s a tiny market opening soon, too.
18. In that tiny market: salads, housemade sodas served from a fountain and jars of pepper jelly.
19. Pepper jelly: the king of all jellies.
Okay, you got us: it’s all true.
Well, except 19.