All year long, we try to tell you about only the greatest of what’s out there. In the meantime, we see a lot of pretty confounding... other stuff. Here’s the best of the worst that we almost covered, except we would never do that.
If Amelia Earhart were a dog, and dogs could fly planes, she’d have probably used these canine goggles. If Ryan Lochte were a dog, and dogs could backstroke, he’d probably use them, too. But they’re not and they can’t and there’s no reason for these things to exist.
The Mile High Club: a legendary accomplishment. Usually it involves a plane, a cramped lavatory and... a second person. Unless you carried on this new travel-friendly Fleshlight, a sex toy meant to help you take care of any urges that can’t wait until landing. Probably better to keep your zipper in the upright and locked position.
Cell phones have come pretty far in the last few years—but you still have to hold them up to your ear, which is incredibly exhausting. Wait. Earbuds exist. And Bluetooth. And speakerphone buttons. Guess you don’t need a ridiculous-looking headset that holds your phone against the side of your face.
We generally advise against wearing clothes made out of glass shards. But in the case of a questionable skinny tie that doubles as a mirror... we still advise against wearing clothes made out of glass shards. Unless you’re really worried you’ve got something in your teeth.
She unbuttons her shirt slowly. She takes it off. And there on proud display are the gifts you got her... a pair of temporary breast tattoos that say “Let’s” and “Celebrate.” Aww, you’re so thoughtful. Which is why you would never, ever buy these.
