Skeletor and Mumm-Ra tried to finish you off in Cobra's Terrordrome.
But they were no match for your kung-fu grip.
And with assistance from some Smurfs and a half-chewed up Madball, you escaped on Funshine's back.
This weird playtime scenario was enabled by Doob. It's a new store now open on Melrose that will turn you into a photorealistic 3-D figurine. Right, that's Doob. Check it out.
Face it. Some people in this town love themselves. And love winning humanesque statuettes that reflect their greatness. And most likely cry buckets at night because the golden figurine was not cast in their own image.
Which is why this place was needed in L.A. Make an appointment, go on in and get started. They'll help you straighten up and assume a power pose in their patented "doob-licator" (seriously) for a high-speed scan. You'll review the images and then peace out.
Two to three weeks later, a package will arrive holding a small figurine (anywhere from 4"-14") that looks remarkably similar to you and your clothes. From there, you do whatever one does with an uncanny, possibly unnerving replica of themselves. Like...
—Placing it on your lawn in a compromising position with a garden gnome.
—Topping a wedding cake. Maybe your own.
—Dramatically inserting one into your lover's shirt pocket as they go off to war while whispering "remember me."
—Leaving one on your desk and conferring with it on all important company decisions.
Thus ensuring you'll no longer be making anymore important company decisions.