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France France Revolution

Your Bastille Day Essentials Are Here

Not long ago (okay, it was 223 years ago), the French stormed the s**t out of the Bastille. It went well. So well, in fact, that they’ve been partying ever since. What follows: just some things to help you get in the spirit with them this Saturday. Let’s get French.

MIME’S THE WORD

A Stilt-Walking Mime for Hire

Here’s What: A former Cirque du Soleil performer who’s now available for hire—think acrobatic mime on stilts.
Here’s Why: Picture him walking around your Bastille Day party. Just walking around being all French, uncomfortably tall and mime-y. It’s not even an option.
Beret Factor: Immeasurable—this guy may have invented France.

FOUND IN TRANSLATION

How to Insult People in French

Here’s What: An English-to-French translator app... with an insult generator. You know, in case some server tries to get all “I’m French” on you.
Here’s Why: In case some server tries to get all “I’m French” on you.
Beret Factor: Low—this gives you the upper hand. They hate that.

HIP, HIP, BERET

You Knew There Would Be a Beret

Here’s What: A black wool vintage-as-all-hell beret. Plain and simple.
Here’s Why: There’s something strangely young-Victor-Hugo-in-a-smoking-jacket-judging-a-cabaret-audition-in-Nice about this thing. Maybe that’s why. That’s probably why.
Beret Factor: It’s an actual beret. So... pretty high.

PRINT CONDITION

Your Walls Need More Brigitte Bardot

Here’s What: A bunch of old-school prints of Brigitte Bardot doing things like hanging out on the beach in Cannes with Kirk Douglas, playing bocce and generally out-bikini-ing the entire French Riviera.
Here’s Why: Come on...
Beret Factor: Medium to medium-high—bocce is Italian, but somehow she makes it work.

BOULES MARKET

You’ll Be Needing a Pétanque Set

Here’s What: Six different boules set options. Aka pétanque. Aka French bocce. The balls: polished alloy. The case: anything from canvas to polished wood.
Here’s Why: No Bastille Day celebration would be complete without French lawn games.
Beret Factor: High—you can eat a baguette while playing, so you’re good.

GRAS AND ORDER

Foie Gras Delivery: It Exists

Here’s What: Foie gras with port wine and truffles and whole-duck foie gras delivered to your door by a company that’s been doing duck liver since 1875.
Here’s Why: Your cocktail party needs this. Just don’t tell anyone it came from a can.
Beret Factor: High—it’s like French Papa John’s.