Gear

The Prides of March

Only the Essentials: March Madness Edition

Starting tomorrow, everything you know about collegiate basketball ends. And then it begins again. Yes, the beauty and majesty of March Madness is almost upon us. Here now, the essential miscellany you’ll need to get through bracket season in grand style. Grand, unnecessary style.

PENCIL TOWN

Hiring a Guy to Sharpen Your Pencil

Essential: A pencil for filling out your bracket.
More Essential: Artisanal pencil sharpening. Fact: you can’t fill out a successful bracket without first having a guy hand-sharpen your pencil to a fine and semi-deadly point before sending it back with the original shavings and an official “Certificate of Sharpening.” Guaranteed victory right there. Guaranteed.

CHEER HERE

Since the Falcons Cheerleaders Are Free

Essential: Having a devoted cheering section to help with your Murray State rally cry.
More Essential: Hiring the Falcons cheerleaders to come to your home, office or bar stool of choice to rally around your cause. Even if that cause involves teaching them what a Murray State is.

KOOZ YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

Keeping Your Beer Cold with Beaver Pelts

Essential: Beer koozies.
More Essential: Beer koozies made with exotic cowhides, beaver pelts and bison leather. With your name branded on them. There’s a little outfit in Montana that can make it all happen. And just like that, your faux chinchilla fur beanbag chair has company.

SING IT ON

A Hired Gun for Talking/Singing Trash

Essential: Talking smack.
More Essential: Going next-level by having a painfully cheesy singing telegram guy call your friend and sing “One Shining Moment” after your team wins. Yes, it’s that in-your-face song they play every year at the end of the tourney. And yes, your friend will hate you for it. Win-win.

GAME STOP

Only the Best Parts of the Game

Essential: Watching every game.
More Essential: An app that automatically provides a pregame excitement rating of 0 to 100 for every game based on what you’re into. It’ll also alert you to the best/most heated moments of a game as they’re happening so you can decide whether to turn it on. It’s like having a mini Dickie V in your pocket. Minus the creepiness of having a mini Dickie V in your pocket.