How to Avoid Talking Politics This Thanksgiving

A Dozen Diversionary Tactics, Ranked from Least to Most Drastic

By Sam Eichner ·

It’s going to be harder than ever to avoid talking politics over Thanksgiving this year—particularly if you’ve invited a few of the more, err, challenging members of your extended family.

With that in mind, you might want to take a few precautions. Herewith, 12 ways to circumvent all those thorny issues, ranked from least to most drastic.

12. At even the smallest hint of tension, pivot to the Hot Duck. Say, simply, "Hey, have you seen this Hot Duck? It's really hot." Nobody can politicize the Hot Duck, because everyone loves the Hot Duck. The Hot Duck has the appeal of a cat video, if that cat video was also painterly enough to hang in the Louvre. 

11. Do not keep any Russian vodka in the house. You know what? Don't keep any vodka in the house, period. You can't run the risk of your politically over-eager cousin making the connection. (This move is called "Russian interference," which is a private joke you can chuckle about to yourself.)

10. Have everyone go around and share something they're thankful for this year. On second thought, absolutely do not do this.

9. Eat Thanksgiving with the TV on, so long as it's not showing the news. Or the football game. 

8. Pull the fire alarm when Aunt Ellen asks if anyone's seen the latest Twitter spat involving Dana Loesch. Yes, Ellen, of course we've all seen it, but now's not the time! (Also, why does your house have a fire alarm?)

7. Turn Thanksgiving dinner into a Thanksgiving dance party. The upside: the music will be so loud you can’t hear anyone talk. The downside: it’s a dance party, with your entire extended family. And a gravy boat.

6. Make the kids' table the Republican table. 

5. Throw yourself on top of a political grenade by futilely attempting to explain to those gathered 'round the table what, exactly, it is  your disruptive tech start-up is trying to accomplish. 

4. Hire a fake girlfriend to bring to Thanksgiving this year and announce your plans to get married, sometime between drinks and dinner. There might be some fallout at Christmas, but hey, anything's better than listening to your uncle rhapsodically summarize Ben Shapiro's latest editorial.  

3. Spike the appetizers with weed. It's extreme, sure, and maybe illegal, but nobody's getting in a heated debate over Ivanka's personal email if they're too high to use silverware. 

2. Anyone who mentions the Mueller probe gets slimed

1. Move to Canada.

Sam Eichner

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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