Gear

This Startup Wants to Cryogenically Freeze You Until Allergies Are Gone

Because the Only Surefire Way to Beat Pollen Is to Not Breathe It at All

By Thompson Brandes ·
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New Line Cinema

As a lingering winter finally comes to a close, a beautiful pollen-riddled spring is getting prepped and ready to blast your organs and sinuses into a stage three mucus coma. It’s going to be wild. And if you think this year’s allergy season is doomed to be your worst, you’re probably right, as the good folks over at Global Warming are hard at work making sure each foreseeable season sucks 200 percent harder than the last.

This is where an air purifier startup called Molekule is looking to level the playing field—not by filtering harsh air pollutants, but by...[puts on reading glasses]...cryogenically freezing your body until an allergy-free world is upon us.

Ah, a springtime sneeze solution we can all get behind.

Molekule’s antics aren’t entirely bizarre, of course. Their revolutionary air purifier uses nanotechnology to destroy airborne mold, bacteria and viruses at a molecular level. But the freeze is real, as evinced by the homepage to their newly launched sweepstakes, Put Your Allergies On Ice:

The facts here check out. And before you go assuming there’s a line of stuffy noses out the door ready to bounce and turn into a popsicle, the freezing part happens after you die. (The only line out the door will be at your extremely badass funeral, wherein dearest friends and family will marvel at the sight of your allergen-free ice coffin.) 

In the meantime, you can ease the stress of your warm, stuffy present life with a Molekule.

Thompson Brandes is getting sucked into another Jurassic Park movie on AMC right now.

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