Culture

Our Best Guesses as to What the FBI Found in Michael Cohen's Office

We Aren't Ruling Out Fenty "Body Lava" by Rihanna

By Kady Ruth Ashcraft ·
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Tom Williams/Getty Images

In the fast paced hell-labyrinth that is our 24-hour news cycle, the FBI raid of President Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen’s office this afternoon in New York City has managed to stand out. The Washington Post reported that Cohen is being investigated for possible bank fraud and campaign finance violations; according to Cohen's attorney, Stephen Ryan, the raid was related to an investigation referred by special counsel Robert Mueller to federal prosecutors in New York.

Among the many documents and trinkets the FBI surely slipped into their pocketbooks were records relating to a certain pornographic actress and the payments she may or may not have received. But given it might be some time before we learn what was actually taken, the editorial staff at UrbanDaddy has some educated guesses:

  • Hairpieces. Lots and lots of hairpieces.
  • Stormy Daniels' directorial debut, Lust on the Prairie
  • Early stages of lawsuit against sharks
  • Coupons to Men's Wearhouse
  • Printed out recipe for "overcooked steak."
  • Tax documents with a sticky note on them that reads, "Shred this!!!"
  • Hundreds of threatening letters from Kellyanne Conway
  • Rogaine 
  • An old box of oranges, some rotten, some labeled “With lubriderm” that are not rotten
  • A hand-written receipt for $130,000
  • A cheaply made plaque upon which is emblazoned: "I am Michael Cohen, I've Always Been Donald Trump's Lawyer, Don't Let Anyone Tell You Any Different." 
  • Lots of big ties. 
  • Trump-related NDA agreements Michael Cohen has cut up into cute little paper snowflakes! 
  • A stack of papers the content of which suggest Cohen made an actual deal with the devil 
  • This list hanging on his wall, only except for "people to kill" it's "porn stars to pay off"
  • Canned, small-batch unicorn blood
  • Six copies of "Racism for Dummies" 
  • A kilo of blow 
  • A box of snake skins 
  • Jordan 1's 
  • A lifetime supply of those wooden paddleball toys 
  • Fenty 'Body Lava' by Rihanna
  • Photo of him and Trump on a cruise and they both have their hair braided!
  • Novelty bachelorette dick straws
  • A framed photo of Ivanka
  • File on his computer that reads "BORING PAPERWORK YAWN"

Kady Ruth Ashcraft is a writer, comedian, filmmaker, and Amtrak Princess. Follow her on twitter @kadyrabbit and tweet her pictures of your pets.

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