Those of us of marrying age have likely thought about proposals and how ours would hypothetically be done. Quietly? A romantic candlelit dinner at the same restaurant you had your first date? Perhaps you’d opt for something more showy in front of your extended family, in which case, congrats on having a cool extended family that wouldn’t make the whole experience incredibly weird. There are a few who might find huge public displays of affection very romantic and be flattered by a flash mob proposal. If you had made yourself known a day ago I’d have had you escorted to the nearest jail. But yesterday I wasn't aware of the new trend of avocado proposals, which is a much greater threat to the Proposal Industrial Complex.
Avocado proposals are exactly what they sound like. You know those jewelry commercials where the dog runs in and an engagement ring is attached to its collar? It’s like that but the dog is a ripened stone fruit and instead of running into the room, I guess the proposer holds it in their pocket till the time is right? Calling it a trend might also be a bit of a stretch, but it’s definitely happened more than a few times, which is cause for concern. Lawmakers jumped on banning Tide Pods when like three kids ate them so I think it’s only fair to ban this as well.
I suppose I understand the desire to propose in a unique way, over something mutually appreciated within a relationship. But that usually lends itself to Kiss Cam proposals or popping the question when your favorite song is playing. Not mashing a 14 karat diamond ring into some pre-guacamole. I also have to ask what happens to the avocado once the proposal has been (hopefully) accepted? Do they chuck it? Eat it? Freeze it like wedding cake and enjoy it a year later? Your girl is hungry and wants to know.
In the meantime, I've got a few other proposal ideas the convey you’re a millennial but don’t require carrying a sliced-open avocado in the pocket of your chinos on the hot sandy beach all day:
- Writing a quick love note on the back of your student loans bills
- Have the Seamless or GrubHub delivery guy write out the message on your pizza
- Hiding the ring in your man bun
- Placing it around the straw of an iced matcha latte
- Via a meme, our generation's greatest art form