Culture

I'm Celebrating MLK Day By Dragging Paul Ryan For His Dumb MLK Tweet

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By Kady Ruth Ashcraft ·
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@SpeakerRyan

Square-jawed miscreant Paul Ryan took a break from drinking milk out of a straw to tweet out a photo of himself staring at a bust of Martin Luther King Jr.

Since he surely isn’t actually reflecting on Dr. King’s legacy, what else could be possibly be thinking? I’ve taken the liberty to flesh out a few ideas of what could be stirring up in that Wisconsin noggin of his.

  • Is it actually possible for a woman to achieve orgasm or is that, like I expect, a myth?
  • MLK Jr. is lucky he wasn’t born in a shithole country.
  • If all these cool teens are eating Tide Pods, should I eat Tide Pods? I will literally do anything to make people think I am cool.
  • Am I a human cowlick? Annoying and headed in the wrong direction?
  • I bet MLK Jr. would’ve loved the tax bill. Idk how or why, but I just have a feeling deep in where my soul should be that he would.
  • Where I am placing my hand, that is where a beard normally grows, no? I wonder what my life would’ve been like had I not tragically frozen before I hit puberty.  
  • Were those flowers picked by an illegal?
  • I will pass a law this year banning women from basements because basements are where men do cool things like lift weights and have home offices.
  • Before I forget, Donald asked me to print out posters detailing the size of the March on Washington crowd and the crowd at his inauguration. I have to Photoshop them to make his look bigger.
  • Would Janna like it if I started calling her “mother” like how Pence calls his wife that? I think it is sweet.
  • What if we just condensed all of Black History Month into MLK Day? Feels redundant to have both. I am very comfortable in my casual racism.
  • Did I set the self timer on this photo for three seconds or 10 seconds? I’ll just stand like this for awhile so I get the pic. I wish I had a single friend to take this photo for me.

Kady Ruth Ashcraft is a writer, comedian, filmmaker, and Amtrak Princess. Follow her on twitter @kadyrabbit and tweet her pictures of your pets.

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