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Overanalyzing Sara Sampaio's Instagram

Drawing Wildly Irresponsible Conclusions About Our Favorite Portuguese VS Angel

By Sam Eichner ·
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Photo: Taylor Hill/Getty Images

Sometimes, in an attempt to sneak a peek into the interior lives of the rich and famous, we’re forced to launch an investigation into the evidence at the public’s disposal. By which we mean, grossly overanalyze whom these people choose to follow on Instagram.

Today, we take a look into the deep follows of one Sara Sampaio, the 26-year-old Portuguese Victoria's Secret angel who’s been showing up all over the place during this year’s New York Fashion Week. Let's see what Freud, Jung and Rogers have to say about the lass. Just kidding, let's dive headlong down the rabbit hole and bullshit this thing…

@sarasampaio

The Profile

Posts: 2,160
Followers: 5.8 million
Following: 608.
Credo: Portuguese model.

The Bell Curve

It’s your pretty standard mix of fellow hot models (male and female), hot pop stars, hot young actors and actresses, with some hot Portuguese unknowns peppered in here and there. The overarching theme here being: hot.

Outliers

Ed Sheeran

It should really come as no surprise that Sara Sampaio follows Ed Sheeran. After all, she walked the runway in the Victoria Secret fashion show during which Sheeran performed, back in 2014. Like millions of other people, she’s also probably a genuine fan of his music. But here’s the thing: the ostensible stipulation for Sampaio’s bell curve is being objectively “hot.” Is Ed Sheeran hot? That is another debate for another day, one that I both do not care to participate in and know for sure I would lose.

Paris Hilton and Mischa Barton

Ah, the glamorous train-wrecks of the mid-aughts theme. These follows showcase Sampaio’s redemptive spirit.  She likes to see people who have gone down get back up again. Either that, or she was just a fan of The OC and/or The Simple Life. We would not blame her for such preferences.

@savethechildren

Sara Sampaio would like to save the children. There is no joke here.

Brett Ratner and Michael Bay

Interesting. That Sampaio would go out of her way to follow not one but two of the most shallow directors of our generation is telling. One can assume she likes pure, mindless entertainments, plain and simple. Unless, of course, she made friends with Bay at the above Victoria's Secret shoot. Or that she threw Ratner a follow exclusively for After the Sunset. That was an underrated heist-comedy.

@theadventuresoffloyd

And here we have the token cute little dog Instagram. I will say, though, that this is an exceptionally cute token cute little dog Instagram, and that, apropos the handle, he does appear to be having some dope adventures.

Diagnosis

Despite her kind soul and redemptive spirit, Sampaio’s artistic tastes represent the kind of casual philistinism you might instinctively expect from someone who models for a living. We prescribe binge-watching The Wire and a trip to a used book store. Or simply going about living her life. Things seem to be going pretty well for her as is. And who knows? She might even star in the next giant Michael Bay explosion movie.

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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