Gear

Six Real-Life Scenarios In Which You May Actually Need Surkus

The App That Lets You Hire Party Guests

By Hadley Tomicki ·
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Surkus is a new app that allows you to hire people to fill a room. The idea is that you’ve got a party or event and want it to be attended with guests of a certain type. So Surkus allows you to rent these exact people, using the app to book guests by such factors as age, gender and lifestyle.

And while at first it sounds like this could be some kind of really sad thing for really sad people who don’t have enough friends but want to convince the friends they do have that they actually do have friends, we can still envision a few scenarios where you might actually need this thing.

Such as:

1) You’re launching an app. It does something. But no one really cares. 
So you'll use Surkus the way it is intended. To hire a bunch of out-of-work models and guys without socks in their Oxfords to demonstrate the incredible buzz amongst cool millenials your thing is experiencing. Whatever it does.

2) You’re a mendacious politician who gets called-out for over-estimating crowd sizes at your own national ceremonies.
Being morally-dubious is your trademark. So, few will cry out in horror once you hire a bunch of people to stand behind you and support your crazy talk. Bonus points for each hire who isn’t white or past the age of 700. Not that any one would really be crazy enough to do this.

3) You’re the Phillies.
And boy do you suck this season. Still, those peanuts and Cracker Jacks aren’t selling themselves and you don't want the franchise moved to Vegas. No sweat. Just procure 43,651 seat-fillers in various Philly shapes and Philly sizes. 

4) You’re LeVar Burton. And you’re getting really jealous of all the love George Takai and William Shatner get at Star Trek conventions.
Um, please tell us you are LeVar Burton.

5) You're that same mendacious politician from #2. Only now you've died.
And even your last trophy wife won't attend your funeral. Hopefully your will had a provision about booking your memorial wall-to-wall with tens through a fledgling app of some kind.

6) You’re just a really sad person who doesn’t have enough actual friends but want to convince the friends you do have that you actually do have friends.
Perfect.

Hadley Tomicki lives in Los Angeles. He is probably going nowhere on the 10 Freeway this very second.

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