10 Ways the Shopping Experience at Bonobos Might Change, Now That It's Owned by Wal-Mart

Or: Visions from a Menswear Nightmare

Photo: Tim Boyle via Getty Images
One of our favorite online menswear brands, Bonobos, has recently been sold to Wal-Mart for a cool $310 million. Naturally, we’re a bit bummed. So to cheer ourselves up, we’ve imagined ten ways the shopping experience might change under the brand’s new ownership...

1. You're greeted by a fruit-punch-colored-chino-wearing nanogenarian upon entrance. This person has no insurance and makes $3.15 1/2 per hour. As a cloud of sadness descends, you decide to go ham on some lightweight chambray shirts.

2. In addition to a spiffy new Bangladesh-made blazer, you walk out with three throw pillows you don't need and a 100-pack of Starkist tuna. What a haul.

3. “The brand really seems to be trying to make blue vests happen,” you think to yourself, while lost somewhere between the toiletry aisle and the seventh ring of hell.

4. Carts. They’re physical things now.

5. You make room in your cart full of yarn-spun v-neck tees for a .22 caliber rifle you found on sale.

6. To get to the loafers, you have to work your way around the Bonobos x Coleman island.

7. The checkout line, you realize, is much longer here than it is online. Fuck it. Might as well buy some gum.

8. A feverish vision of happiness appears in your mind’s eye like a distant dream. 

9. “Clean up in Bonobos aisle 12,” proclaims the voice of God.

10. You finally exit the store in Clarksville, IN, simultaneously mourning the plight of small businesses in a hyper-capitalist system and celebrating the fact that you got, like, four cotton linen henleys for under $50. Chill?

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