Gear

11 iPhone Updates We Wish Apple Had Announced Today

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1. A 3D printer.

2. Autocorrect that knows “ducking” is not a word you want to use.

3. Map function that helps you avoid certain roving exes who happen to be nearby.

4. Drill Sergeant Siri, who yells at you if you’re running late.

5. Virtual-reality gym populated with helpful holograms of celebrity trainers.

6. The ability to elegantly dispense martinis on tap.

7. Two words: wireless charger.

8. Analog button that folds out a keyboard and six-inch antenna.

9. When someone at the diner orders their burger with lettuce and tomato, iPhone automatically plays the “I like mine with lettuce and tomato” line from Jimmy Buffett’s “Cheeseburger in Paradise.”

10. Battery that heats up to 400 degrees to warm your leftovers.

11. Hold thumbprint on button for three seconds, watch iPhone transform into a hoverboard.

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