1. Riding a horse across a finish line to great fanfare.
2. Begging a horse to please just trot in the general direction of civilization.
Either way, it involves lots of wine. Oh, and pumas. Expect pumas, too.
Invest in some chaps for Torres del Paine Safari, 10 days of eating, drinking and horseback riding in Patagonia, capped off by a horse race against some actual Chilean gauchos, taking reservations now.
If the idea of a gaucho boot camp sounds tough... well, you’re right. The sheer volume of skirt steak alone is enough to incapacitate lesser recruits. So make sure you know what’s in store:
Day 1-2: Arrive at your ranch. Eat food from the garden. Drink water from the mountain spring out back. And some malbec directly from the bottle.
Day 3-7: Venture into the Patagonian wilderness on horseback, staying in log cabins and learning to track pumas along the way. (Plot twist: they’re actually tracking you.)
Day 8-9: Return to ranch; undergo intensive wine-and-steak-consumption training; meet your racehorse.
Day 10: Race day. You gallop 25 miles through epic scenery with some professional equestrians and celebrate with a giant barbecue at the finish line.
A giant glass of milk seems appropriate, too.