2013. It’s been fun. Well, for the most part. Because while the year was filled with great restaurants, great bars and the occasional Alamo Drafthouse, there existed something else. A dark pile of truly terrible items that never should’ve seen the light of day. Here’s a taste of that pile.
Finally, an online store geared specifically to the geek-minded BDSM enthusiast... is not something you’d say. But still, it exists. A collection of Hello Kitty paddles, Excalibur sword hilt floggers and other things (the spanking bench comes to mind) that’d make for an awkward Secret Santa gift.
You’re on board with bottle openers. Useful everyday tools, those things. Except when they’re $16 aluminum rectangles that adhere to surfaces with adhesive tape so you can slam your bottle down to pry off the cap. And the name. Oh, that name.
It works like this. You take a bit of breast milk (we won’t ask where you got it), mail it to a jewelry maker and a few weeks later... boom: your very own petrified breast-milk pendant. Or earrings. Or something else that’s equally disturbing.
This thing is essentially a Christmas stocking that you’re supposed to use for birthdays. Hang it from a mantel and fill it with presents. But in reality, it’s just a stretchy nylon sock. Seriously. That’s it. It’s a sock. And you already own plenty of those.
Slate stone and birchwood. They’re a handsome pair. Use them to make paperweights or bookends, sure. But use them to make sunglasses... no. Then you’re just wearing rocks on your face.
