So it was in the year two thousand and thirteen, that Jamaica’s storied Trident Castle—the undisputed champion of post-medieval castling in the Caribbean—gained a new and enthusiastic management. And with it, some beachside villas for the slumbering, an Old Harlem–themed supper club for the merrymaking and approximately zero objects obstructing the view. Starting in March, you’ll command any of these rooms or villas—or just rent the whole damn place for yourself. But for now, consult this numerical survey of your quarters-to-be:

Distance from Port Antonio airport: 18 minutes
Distance from your on-site helipad: 30 seconds
Number of stone crocodiles heralding your arrival: 2
Documented instances of Errol Flynn washing his boat ashore here: 1
Square feet you’re occupying: 40,000
Height of the main hall: 47 feet
Winding staircases: too many to count
Oceanfront balconies: ditto
Rooms in the main castle: 9
Full-time staff in the main castle: 8
Chambermaids on staff: 3
Times you’ll say, “Bring me the chambermaid!”: 5 to 7
Bedrooms located in a secret tower: 1
Length of your four-poster bed’s French lace canopy: 120 yards
Beachfront villas: 13
Outdoor spas: 2
Backyard wedding chapels: 1
Current marriage survival rate (hey, just in case): 54%
Seats at your dinner table: 26
Dinner tables in Jamaica longer than this one: 0
Rare rums and cigars on the menu: ...a lot (as in, more than anywhere in Jamaica)
Previous guests with initials “JFK”: at least 1