As you no doubt read in the most recent issue of Island Ownership Monthly, there’s a private island for sale off the coast of Connecticut. Knowing how you are regarding A) the acquisition of private Xanadus, and B) New England, we figured you’d want the relevant numbers on Tavern Island, available now. No, no math required.

Acres of island: 3.5
Year the island was settled by Europeans: 1651
Year the Tudor-style main residence was built: 1900
Additional buildings located on the island: 4
Number of those designated as teahouses: 1
Percentage your tea consumption will increase by owning a teahouse: 200
75-foot, sea-level freshwater pools: 1
Degrees of view of the Atlantic Ocean: 360
Ping-pong tables in the game room overlooking said ocean: 2
Foosball tables that will haunt your dreams: 1
Really old cannons facing out to sea on property: 1
Of those that could hold off pirates: 0
Commute to Manhattan from island: 1 hour
Chances you’ll see said metropolis’s skyline on a clear day: 100%
Year Lillian Hellman finished writing The Little Foxes here: 1938
How many times you’ve probably seen that play: 0
Price tag: $12,900,000
How you intend to afford it: [REDACTED]