You’re in grave danger.

So it’s important that you do exactly as we say.

First, pack a bag. And a person with long, dark hair. Pack that, too. That’s important.

Then, book a flight to Wyoming.

There’s a small cluster of tepees just outside the entrance of Yellowstone National Park. Go to them.

We’ll be waiting by the riverbed with martinis and further instructions...

Okay, so we lied about that danger part. And we don’t have any instructions. Except maybe to check out Yellowstone Under Canvas, a decidedly hedonistic take on camping that involves tepees with hardwood floors, hot showers and riverside cocktail parties, booking now.

Yellowstone’s great. You know that. It’s all big and majestic-y. Full of geysers, mountain lions and places to die. Oh, about that last part. Probably best to avoid that. Probably best to book a Deluxe Safari Tent with a wood-burning stove, a private patio and your own adjacent tepee bathroom instead.

So you’ll hop online, book a trip and prepare to not rough it. Make a s’more or two. Meet your fellow tepee dwellers every night at dusk for the “Sundowner.” (That’s the part where they serve you cocktails and little finger foods all night.)

And if you plan on venturing into Yellowstone for a while (it’s only a few miles away), they’ll even rent you a tepee for up to a week.

Try not to pitch it over a geyser.