We’re lovers. You know that. But every now and again, something comes across our desks that just seems... suspicious. Because of the tremendous material upside to all our lives if these claims pan out, we at times put ourselves in harm’s way to investigate. Albeit skeptically.

We call it: Skeptical Investigation. (Copyright pending.)

THE CLAIM
Courageous pastry scientists assert that the Mellow Yellow Cupcake from Butter Café & Bakery in Walpole will help you relax and fall asleep.

THE INVESTIGATION
After a long, hard day at UD Boston headquarters, we ordered a batch of the cupcakes. Then, we loosened our tie, pulled off our shoes and grabbed one of these.

There were no clear signs of this being anything other than a good-looking cupcake: wrapper came off easily and without crumbling. Cake was soft, but not mushy. Frosting: frosting-y.

But the secret ingredient was betrayed by the barely visible dark specks in the cake, which turned out to be bits of the gram of finely ground valerian root, a known mellower (see: Fight Club). Oh, and there’s also 60mg of melatonin in the batter.

VERDICT
About an hour after eating it (with prescription-strength 2% milk), we noticed there was a river of calmness flowing strongly just under the skin. The eyes even felt a little heavier. The mind wasn’t so busy. Two and a Half Men: suddenly (and only slightly) tolerable.

So we drank a glass of wine and ate another cupcake andzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............