As it happens, the good folks at Cordarounds share your skewed perspective and they've spent years in the lab toiling over fabric swatches, all to put together a ventilating pant with you in mind.
Prepare yourself for Suckerlab.
On the heels of their world-famous horizontal cords, Cordarounds is rolling out a khaki-striped seersucker version with ridges in horizontal rings all the way up and down your lower half. The fabric is the same narrow-striped cotton you know and love, but it's twisted 90 degrees to leave you with 500 ventilating ridges between your waist and the sun-cooked pavement. Besides the striped khaki, there's also the bright green model, which may not make you feel cooler but will get you a lot closer to that "Brazilian hobo" look you've been chasing.
On the off-chance that bright green isn't your favorite hue, you can live the horizontal dream in a less fluorescent khaki-stripe without sacrificing any of the magical cooling properties. There's also the checkered model that combines regular seersucker and horizontal seersucker into a terrifyingly futuristic ginghampant that could revolutionize seersucker as we know it.
It turns out there's a new seersucker born every minute.