Food & Drink

A New Path To 5-Minute Cold Brew

This Machine Just Shattered Its Funding Goals

By Hadley Tomicki ·

Retirement savings.


A nuclear family. 

The American dream.

All of these things will remain out of reach as long as all these damn people continue spending their hard-earned bread on cold-brew and avocado toast. 9 out of 10 economists that we didn't bother talking to agree.

But while the new generation remains stuck with the affliction of avocado hand amid soaring prices for the pleasure, one amazing new American doohickey is stepping in to yield you cold brew in your own home in the near blink of an eye.

It's called the DASH Rapid Cold Brew System, so you know it takes the matter of your caffeination urgently. Typical cold brew involves a 24-to-72 hour process that absolutely no single person on earth is willing to oversee. Or confronting the crushed souls at Starbucks to plunk down your cash for a cup. DASH gets it done in five minutes. Sorry, John Henry.

With this, you just add water and ground coffee. The same smart people that saw Harold & Kumar 2 too many times and invented the Pancake-Bot have insured the machine does the rest, hypnotically sloshing the water between two chambers to extract the coffee's most flavforful notes and merging them with cold water. Ta-da, cold brew. It will also create cold brew concentrate for people who are into that. Honestly, we've never smoked the stuff before.

The DASH system is currently destroying its goals on crowdfunding site IndieGoGo, with plans to ship out in November. You can secure one now for $64.

Hadley Tomicki

Hadley Tomicki lives in Los Angeles. He is probably going nowhere on the 10 Freeway this very second.

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