Food & Drink

The Netflix Weed Strains That Didn't Make the Cut

Because How Do You Binge Without Psychoactives?

By Hadley Tomicki ·
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It's 2017 and nothing makes sense. Lorde is now an performance artist, the Mad King rules America and Netflix suddenly has its own weed strains.

To promote Disjointed, the streaming service's new show about a cannabis dispensary, Netflix reportedly added its own branded sinsemilla to a West Hollywood weed collective, riffing off popular characters and themes from its shows. For example, one could find Pousey Riot, a strain linked to Orange is the New Black. And Banana Stand Kush for any fan of Arrested Development yet to tire of that reference.

But we think they may have forgotten a few. And so it goes that we swept up all the crumbs to find a few Netflix-inspired strains that didn't make the first cut. Enjoy.

Netflix Weed Strains That Didn't Make The Cut:

The OA OG: May cause temporary blindness and long-lasting identity confusion.

Totally Flaked: Slight chance it may make Will Arnett funny. Slight.

Bojack Herer: Endows users with a complete inability to care about anyone but themselves.

Sensei 8: You'll swear everyone knows what you're thinking. Did you just say that out loud?

Jessica Jonesing: Helpful in treating PTSD. Not so helpful for fitting into leather.

Master Kush of None: May lead to uncontrollable pasta cravings and really not advisable before dates.

One J at a Time: The THC content is much more like your parents' weed from the 70's.

Couchlock Grove: Uh, hmmm... nobody watches this.

Anyone Who Knows What Nug Is (Will Understand): Users report widespread paranoia about technology being used to fuck with their lives.

Lemony Diesel Snickett: Sounds like it's for kids, but it's really for young adults.

The Kimmy Gibbler: Uncontrollable giggling, perpetually wide smiles and a total inability to know when it might not be the right time to "drop by" the neighbors.

Lillyhammered: You'll want gabagool. But there will be no gabagool.

The Kevin Rayburn-out: Please, please do not smoke this shit. Unless you want to totally blow it with your family, the law and general society. Fucking Kevin.

Gus Crushidank: Could transform you into a sweet but awkward person who is worthy of love, afraid of your hot girlfriend and prone to creating theme songs for movies that don't have them yet.

Titus Andromedon: Guaranteed to give you an irreversible love of showtunes.

Grandmaster Flash: Why is this not a weed strain already?

Ozarks Thunderfuck: It's addictive and speedy.

Ashton Kush-er: Will make your voice 30% higher when you're surprised or Punk'ing others.

Kublai Khan-abis (Marco Polo): An exotic strain thought to be long dead, its opulent perfume and sedentary effects will keep you from lopping off heads at the office.

The Punisher: Adverse effects may turn you into a vengeful psychotic. Or at least someone who wears skull shirts.

Hadley Tomicki

Hadley Tomicki lives in Los Angeles. He is probably going nowhere on the 10 Freeway this very second.

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