Food & Drink

Don’t Eat Without This: Your 2016 Fake Allergy Checklist

How to Avoid Avocado Toast, Mason Jars and Other Restaurant Dangers

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Food allergies—and sometimes “allergies”—are all around us and seem to be increasing in prevalence.

So as restaurants work to accommodate that one girl who’s allergic to the color orange and this guy over here who can only eat grass-fed beef (Bermuda, maybe St. Augustine, never hay), we’ve noticed some troubling symptoms of our own.

Like how the term “bar chef” can induce a collective sneeze, and how breaking out in hives is directly related to the number of overhead brunch shots on your Instagram feed. You know, the ones that always manage to sneak in some sunglasses.

So as the world continues to evolve in strange and mysterious ways, we’ve created this 2016 Dining Allergy Card. Hand it to your waiter upon sitting down, and with a little luck, we can all enjoy a healthier, more comfortable dining experience...

Dear Restaurant Staff Person,

Please note that I am allergic to, intolerant of or otherwise sensitive to the following items, and I trust you will accommodate these totally real dietary restrictions by ensuring that none of the below come anywhere near my table:

☐ Organic, fair-trade, sustainably farmed, cage-free, gender-neutral coffee beans.

☐ Specialty ice harvested from the northern side of an Arctic glacier.

☐ Green beans pretentiously masquerading as “haricots verts.”

☐ Spirits infused with esoteric and hard-to-pronounce Asian teas.

☐ Lattes photographed with the Valencia filter.

☐ Lengthy “martini menus” that don’t, by definition, include any actual martinis.

☐ $14 avocado toast.

☐ Pickled heirloom beets in mason jars.

☐ Artisanal donuts topped with gold flakes.

☐ The word “artisanal.”

☐ Cocktails that require an 18th-century glossary and a decoder ring.

☐ The phrase “Modification requests will be politely declined.”

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