But we also like to amuse ourselves.
And you. Of course you. Mostly you.
So with that, here’s your digestif for 2015—the Year in Short, a bunch of weird things we said, free of all context that would make them less weird.
“... the waitresses-elbowing-you-in-the-head quotient was higher than we’d have liked.”
“The Jesper Parnevik of the grilled cheese world.”
“‘Pocket Change’ cost evaluation may or may not have been based on a 200-foot man wearing cargo pants.”
“Your office’s A/C is putting particles into your lungs doctors won’t even know are lethal for another 20 years. Let’s just get a mass sick day going, ideally to be commemorated upon arrival with the call of ‘Cannonball’ by a portly young lad.”
“Someone comes to bring your espresso (they do this), and your mattress-testing is deemed too thorough.”
“Take two parts Stanley Kubrick, one part Bret Easton Ellis, a cup of Sleep No More and sprinkle in contemporary philosophies on sexual openness, to taste.”
“In the year 1015, Valentine’s Day dinners were primitive, involved flagons of mead and didn’t exist.”
“We’re going to grant bendy-straw permission here.”
“Now we’ll get a bunch of angry letters from winter boots.”
“We are, of course, talking about Landsegen, a celebration of Germanic neo-paganism.”
... as ever.