Leisure

Just Overdo It

There Are Resolutions, Then There Are These

Famous quote: “The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.” —Oscar Wilde
Not-famous quote: “I’m cutting back on carbs this year.”—Some schmo
Now that that’s settled, here’s how you’ll be breaking some of your resolutions this year. Yield in good health.

Anti-Resolution: Eat the Bomb
RESOLUTION: LOSE WEIGHT

Anti-Resolution: Eat the Bomb

The Bomb? No big deal. It’s just five pounds of beef and pork sausage that’s been stuffed with pepper bacon. Then wrapped in more bacon. We sort of breezed right past that “five pounds” part, so here it is again in case you missed it: five pounds.

$70, available at Kaiser Tiger, 1415 W Randolph St, 312-243-3100

Anti-Resolution: Smoke Better
RESOLUTION: QUIT SMOKING

Anti-Resolution: Smoke Better

Now that US-Cuban relations are normalizing, it’s only a matter of time before smoking this very special 1930 Flor de Farach Cuban cigar made before the whole embargo thing ever happened won’t be that big of a deal. So maybe smoke it as soon as possible.

Anti-Resolution: Drink Japanese Whisky
RESOLUTION: DRINK LESS

Anti-Resolution: Drink Japanese Whisky

Don’t call drinking 21-year-old Suntory Japanese whisky—which won Best Blended Whisky of 2014 at the World Whiskies Awards—cheating. Call it research. The 2015 World Whiskies Awards are right around the corner and... you’re just working on your ballot is all.

$300, available at Ezra’s, 1128 W Armitage Ave, 773-883-8711

Anti-Resolution: Rent a Wright House
RESOLUTION: DOWNSIZE

Anti-Resolution: Rent a Wright House

You’re focusing on things that are really important. You’re getting rid of the clutter. You’re reading Tiny House blogs. And that’s all great. But first, look at this Frank Lloyd Wright house. A) Because it’s a Frank Lloyd Wright House, and B) because you’re sleeping here instead now.

Anti-Resolution: 22-Karat Gold Handcuffs
RESOLUTION: GO TO CHURCH MORE

Anti-Resolution: 22-Karat Gold Handcuffs

You’re a good person. You know that. We know that. But if for some reason you happened to procure a pair of 22-karat gold handcuffs, that’s not our concern. It’s between you and whomever is best at getting confessions out of you.

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