Gear

Heart Attack

How to Not Fail at Valentine’s Day Gifting

“What are you getting them for Valentine’s Day?” It’s a good question, you know. But a better question might be: “What are you <em>receiving</em> for whatever you’re getting them for Valentine’s Day?” Well, we’ve got your answers to both below. Let’s see Russell Stover do that.

COMMITMENT LEVEL: 1

The Most European Photo Album Ever

The Giving: A coffee-table book of unpublished photos chronicling Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin’s 12-year love affair.
The Receiving: An intimate viewing of two famous beautiful European people being all beautiful and European. It’s like Barry White: The Book.

COMMITMENT LEVEL: 2

A Massage Candle. For Candle Massages.

The Giving: A shea-butter massage candle created by a centuries-old Italian pharmacy that comes in its own porcelain pourer.
The Receiving: A nice, relaxing candle-wax massage. Its melting point is the same temperature as the human body, so it can’t burn your skin. You’re welcome, Jordan Belfort.

COMMITMENT LEVEL: 3

You’re Basically a Jewelry Designer Now

The Giving: A custom-designed charm necklace made from your choice of six chains of six lengths and about 80 different charms. Yes, they’ve got tiny wishbones.
The Receiving: You just customized a charm necklace. Simply state your demands, and they shall be so.

COMMITMENT LEVEL: 4

Wait, That’s Not a Necklace...

The Giving: Ten solid feet of naturally harvested pearls strung together to form what is either A) an impractically long neck accessory, or B) some very refined arm restraints. (Hint: it’s both.)
The Receiving: Guess that all depends on who’s wearing it...

COMMITMENT LEVEL... PERKS

Time for Some Very Spiked Chocolates

The Giving: A box of Belgian chocolates, each blended with 1/8th of a shot of Veuve Clicquot champagne, Belvedere vodka, 18-year Glenlivet or... other great stuff.
The Receiving: A strong one-two punch from nature’s finest aphrodisiacs. Not to mention a healthy 30% kickback thanks to Perks.