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Resolve for X

Meet Your 2014 Anti-Resolutions

If you’re starting the new year by swearing an oath of self-improvement... well, that’s nice. But you know what else is nice: doing the exact opposite of that. In light of this, we unearthed the most indulgent things a person can do. Yes, this would be your cue.

Anti-Resolution: A Team of Lie Experts
RESOLUTION: BE MORE HONEST

Anti-Resolution: A Team of Lie Experts

We have no idea where you were or what you were doing with whom on December 27. And neither do these guys, but they’re specialists who specialize in fabricating believable alibis on demand. This could be dangerous.

Anti-Resolution: Wine-Laced Cigars
RESOLUTION: QUIT SMOKING

Anti-Resolution: Wine-Laced Cigars

Before you start quitting this or cutting back on that, consider one simple fact: red-wine-cured Nicaraguan cigars exist and you can order them on the Internet. Okay, you may now proceed with the resolving...

Anti-Resolution: Buy a Whiskey Barrel
RESOLUTION: DRINK IN MODERATION

Anti-Resolution: Buy a Whiskey Barrel

Some Englishmen have politely asked that you reevaluate your drinking habits. Specifically, by customizing your very own 220-liter cask of whiskey, which will be aged, fermented and bottled according to your exact specifications. Once a year, you’ll be sent a 200 mL sample of your spirit. Heck of a way to celebrate a birthday.

Anti-Resolution: Rent Spielberg’s Yacht
RESOLUTION: SPEND WISELY

Anti-Resolution: Rent Spielberg’s Yacht

There’s coach. There’s first class. And then there’s Steven Spielberg’s 280-foot-long megayacht with its own infinity pool and swim-up movie theater. We’re thinking this is the year you borrow the director’s vessel for a little jaunt around the Caribbean. Call it location scouting.

Anti-Resolution: More Massages for You
RESOLUTION: TEND TO OTHERS

Anti-Resolution: More Massages for You

You may never be able to make music like Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney or the Grateful Dead. But at least in 2014, you can get a vigorous shoulder rub from the same woman who used to massage those music legends back in the ’80s. Those hands have seen a lot.

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