Call Me Pal

A Device That Really Goes the Distance

None You can’t occupy two places at once.

It’s just science.

You can get close—phone calls, Skype, the occasional body double.

But sometimes, you need... a deeper connection. That personal touch, if you will.

And with this thing, you definitely will...

Prepare yourself for Love Palz, a new remote-control pleasure system that takes reaching out and touching someone to a whole new level, taking orders now.

That’s right: remote-control pleasure system. More specifically, a set of two motion-sensing, wi-fi-enabled companions to stand in for your respective... companions.

On your end: a curious hollow cylinder lined with an air bag (tip: don’t bring this through airport security). On hers: another cylinder, equipped with a piston-fired rod that’s nowhere near as aggressive as it sounds. They’re both made of medical-grade silicone, and come tested by scientists who’ve presumably discovered a newfound appreciation for their career path.

So maybe you have a long-distance lover. Maybe you’re on a business trip. Or maybe you’re just oddly aroused by video chatting. In any case, Skype her up. Dim the lights. Cue up some Michael Bublé. Then, do exactly what you think you’re supposed to do. The device will sense your movements, and her pistons will fire in real time. Her sensors will sense. Your air bag will fill. And soon, you’ll feel an unmistakable sensation.

Yep, awkwardness.

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