We have bad news.

Actually, let’s rephrase.

If you hate palatial, relaxing, beautiful, tropical, oceanfront retreats with lots of teak...

... well, we have very bad news.

And that bad news looks like this: Coco Privé, a handsome oasis in the Maldives comprised of one island, six villas and a strict zero-care-in-the-world policy, taking reservations now.

First, we should introduce a concept we call the “lazy moat.” It’s like a lazy river. But it encircles your entire paradisiacal existence. And this place has one of those.

But of course it does. This is the Maldives, a country whose primary exports are jealousy and screen savers. Nothing here will surprise you. Not your personal chef. Not the sea turtles basking nonchalantly beside you. It’s just as perfect as you’d expect.

But let’s back up. You haven’t even chosen your villa. Though truth be told, they’re more like palatial, three-walled shelter houses opening to your pool, sun deck, outdoor showers and the infinite horizon of the ripple-free Indian Ocean. Can’t really pick a bad one—but if we’re being honest, you’ll want the two-story Palm Residence with a hot tub balcony and incredibly long boardwalk.

Also known as a lazy drawbridge.