But then you’d miss all the good Russian vodka and massages.
Prepare for Red Square, a spa, restaurant and lounge where you’ll be pampered like a Russian czar, slated to open Friday in Wicker Park.
This is the legendary location of Division Street Russian and Turkish Baths, renowned as the preferred shvitzing location for everyone from Nelson Algren to Jesse Jackson.
The facility has been thoroughly face-lifted. So after checking in, you’ll be given a towel, a robe and slippers, and escorted to the locker room downstairs, which now looks like a log cabin in Minsk.
Go ahead. Take a steam. Test your mettle in the 180-degree dry sauna. Lie around and watch sports. After, arrange to have a massage in a treatment room upstairs. If you’re here on a date, meet in the co-ed locker room before retiring to a couples massage room.
Finally, when you’re ready for a little nosh, head upstairs to the restaurant and bar. It’s built to resemble an opulent dining car on a 19th-century train. You can practically imagine Dostoyevsky here, lunching on his duck salad or gravlax and sipping a Moscow Mule served in the copper mug.
Of course, he probably wasn’t in a bathrobe.