A little Swedish massage here. A little Korean martial arts there. Every so often being chased out of the Russian Embassy by a pack of trained dogs.

You’ve done it all. But what you don’t have: a device to tell you exactly how much each of them benefits your health.

That’s right, here comes one now. It’s called the Basis Band, and you can reserve one in advance of its release.

This is a lot easier than hiring a full-time physician. (Which can be very cumbersome. And that stethoscope is so cold.) It basically looks like a futuristic, Minority Report–style watch.

You strap this bad boy on, and it just starts... sensing things. Constantly. Namely your heart rate, temperature, motion, and even the electrical response of your skin. Every so often, download your data (via USB) and watch it spit out, well, more data. From which you can see trends like whether that third cup of coffee at 11 spikes your pulse. And whether listening to Bon Iver at noon brings it back down. How many calories you burn while you’re sleeping. And while you’re “sleeping.”

If you like, the software will even suggest small changes and incremental goals to get you performing at ruthlessly efficient, Ovechkin-like levels.

Don’t blame us when you figure out you were created in a lab.