Test Control

Introducing the Holiday Party Sobriety Test

None Let’s take a look at how you spend your time on the phone.

7am: Check email from bed.
8:30am: Call in a takeout order from West Egg. Also from bed.
10am-7pm: Text Arthur Blank back about box seats. Call your grandma to thank her for the $5 Christmas check.
11pm: Input seven very important numbers attained at the office holiday party.
3-5am: [Redacted.]

And if you think we’re letting you get away with that last part... think again.

Enter the Holiday Party Sobriety Test, a new app that forces you to overcome a series of rigorous holiday-themed brainteasers before it deems you fit to have access to Facebook, Twitter and your phonebook, available now.

First off, let’s address why such a thing actually exists in the first place. Look at your phone. Now scroll through your texts and calls from last weekend, say, after 1am.

There you go.

Once you download the app, you’ll want to place the icon in a prominent location on your phone. Right before martini number three arrives, open it up.

At which point you’ll be ushered through a series of coordination and cognition tests. Pass them and you’ll receive the app’s blessing to post, tweet and text at will. Fail and you’ll be strongly urged to throw your phone in the fondue fountain. It’ll even pull up search results for nearby cab companies automatically.

This isn’t the time for subtlety.

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