Aw, screw it. Just outsource your holiday cards this year.
Meet your new ghostwriters: Clothing for Correspondence, a pair of Australian authoresses who transform your most important communiqués into pure poetry. For a small fee, of course. By which we mean gently used fashion. We’ll explain later...
First you’ll decide what needs to be said—and to whom—and the general tone you want to strike. They’ll take care of the words.
For your secret love, just pour your heart out to these scribes. Don’t worry about how it sounds, grammar or punctuation. Just let it all out. (They’re trained pros. They understand.) They’ll organize your thoughts, festooning them with all the requisite adjectival pyrotechnics needed to make hearts melt.
Maybe the matter’s more serious. Again, just lay down the facts (broken hot tub, unpaid jeroboam bill), the general tone (sternly passive-aggressive) and the recipients (Messrs. Z and West).
For their fee, these talented wordsmiths merely request something stylish. Maybe a vintage Gucci something your ex left lying around. Maybe those sunglasses you planned to wrap up and give to a certain someone else this year.
We can be damn sure Kanye’s off your list.