Your holiday gifts: delivered via armored car.
Your digital pictures: backed up on coded microfiche.
And your espresso machine, well, that now requires biometric security clearance.
Introducing the Xelsis Digital ID, the first ever coffee maker that requires your fingerprint before pouring that all-important morning cup, available now.
Certain secrets (such as how you take your coffee) can’t be revealed to just anyone. So you’ll pick up this most guarded of kitchen appliances. The casing: stainless steel (resistant to rust, microwave radiation and sniper fire). The controls: operated via a color touch screen (impervious to cyber-terrorism). And there’s an external, self-cleaning milk steamer that will froth up lattes and, should it fall into enemy hands, immediately swallow a cyanide capsule.
So you’ll tinker with the amount of coffee beans used and mull over having the machine pre-warm your mug. But once you find the perfect formula for your joe, you’ll store it using the system's fingerprint recognition technology. Not unlike how you get in the front door of the Pentagon, there’s a digital panel on the top of the machine that’ll let you lock specific coffee settings to one of your prints. Then, the only way to brew your trademark cappuccino with piping hot foam and a dash of Irish whiskey is with your pinky.
Sometimes, it’s nice to let the little guy feel important.