Now There's an App That Helps Track Your Boners

It's for Your Health, Mostly

By Sam Eichner ·
Photo: Noviembre Anita Vela/Getty Images

Of all the ways modern smartphone technology has improved our daily existence—with GPS, Snapchats, kind-of-Tinder—it's greatest potential has remain untapped. Until now.

Yes, what you've (probably not) heard is true: your phone is now helping you track your boners, courtesy of an app called Morning Glory. It launches today on the Apple store, and it's the brainchild of the with-it folks at Roman, a millennial-friendly new health start-up that allows men to get diagnosed for erectile dysfunction via a quick online consultation, and receive a prescription with the upmost discretion. 

How this works is quite simple. When you open the app, you'll be faced with a simple question: did you wake up with morning wood? Depending on your response, you'll receive a corresponding GIF, because GIFs as they pertain to boners (or lack thereof) have a very high comedic success rate. Every morning thereafter, you'll log (pun intended) your morning erections in a handy erection calendar, and unlock various erection facts (like, for example, that morning wood has little to do with having to pee). Three morning erections in a row amounts to a "boner streak," and a confetti party—more or less the erectile equivalent of getting a turkey for bowling three strikes in a row. 

Of course, there's a health-related purpose to the app; you aren't just tracking your boners for fun (unless you are). Morning erections are a strong indicator that you're in good physical health, so if you don't log any for multiple days on end, the app will gently suggest you chat with a physician, and even offer you a gratis phone consultation with a Roman Clinical Director.

Until then, though, keep up the good work. 

Sam Eichner

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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