When a covert tiki bar comes along promising hazy nights of bamboo, flaming rum and the occasional DJ stint by Elijah Wood, you don’t want flowery prose. You want cold, hard, rummy facts. And so we present the quietly launched Tiki No, by the numbers...

Flaming tiki torches outside serving as beacons of rum: 4
Tempestuous rainstorms required to temporarily douse those torches: 1
Indoor/outdoor fireplaces within: 1
Drinks named after surfers: 5
Drinks called “Sup”: 1
Drinks called “Not Much”: 0
Drinks that serve four, delivered in a punch bowl: 1
Pools of flaming rum in punch bowl: 1
Hours of happy per week: 15 (Mon-Fri, 4-7pm)
Dollars a mai tai will cost you, anytime: 5
Intimate thatch-roof booths inside that are great for a low-key, hand-on-thigh-while-getting-gently-soused kind of date: 7
Hawaiian food trucks often parked outside on the weekends: 1
Chance Elijah Wood will be DJing here on any given night: roughly 1 in 15
Chance he’ll be DJing here this Thursday with an impressive arsenal of weird Christmas songs: 95%
Why it’s not 100%: traffic