Travel

Planes, Trains and Hydroplanes

Thanksgiving Travel in Record Time

We don’t want to alarm you, but we’ve seen your future. And without spoiling too much, it involves turkey. And traffic. An ungodly amount of traffic. But fear not: there’s something you can do. Herewith, five guaranteed gridlock-free ways to travel. You just might want to make sure your aunt’s house has a helipad first.

One-Horse Open Sleigh
BY LAND

One-Horse Open Sleigh

Turns out, the reality of riding in a one-horse open sleigh is not all that different from what “Jingle Bells” would lead you to believe. There’s laughing, reckless high-speed dashing over snow and the occasional bell-wearing wild bobtail. Also: complimentary hot chocolate.
Top Speed: 30 mph with judicious whipping
What You’ll Need: A warm blanket, a love of caroling, hay

Personal Helicopter
BY AIR

Personal Helicopter

At long last: you can charter your own private chopper and pilot for holiday travel. If you do, you’ll have easy access for a rooftop drop-in (the entrance your cranberry sauce deserves), not to mention 500 pounds’ worth of carry-on space (for leftovers).
Top Speed: 173 mph when flying with the Miami Vice theme song on
What You’ll Need: Rope ladder, aviator sunglasses, mini parachute for air-dropped biscuits

Private Steamboat
BY SEA

Private Steamboat

There might be faster, more powerful vessels out there, but good luck finding a speed boat that’ll let you rent out a five-piece brass band, set up an impromptu casino and even perform an authentic voodoo ceremony. In other words, an exact preview of your Thanksgiving dinner.
Top Speed: 15-30 mph depending on your mojo
What You’ll Need: Life preserver, knowledge of baccarat, captain’s hat

Dogsledding
BY CANINE

Dogsledding

Typically, you only mush for sport. But, turns out, even if only for a short stretch, it’s also an effective way to avoid traffic. At your disposal: a team of loyal Eskimo dogs, who’ll pull you from one lodge to another, all while barking their way out of any potential speeding tickets.
Top Speed: 5-10 mph, or more if they pick up the scent of drumsticks
What You’ll Need: Good boots, dog treats, Going Rogue

The World’s Longest Detachable Chairlift
BY CHAIRLIFT

The World’s Longest Detachable Chairlift

If you opt to take the world’s fastest and longest chairlift (covering 11,000 feet), you probably won’t face any travel delays. That said, it helps if you’re doing Thanksgiving somewhere near Burlington.
Top Speed: 15-18 mph, maybe faster if you’re dressed in head-to-toe spandex
What You’ll Need: Skis, poles, a secretly stashed snowmobile at the peak

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