PREAMBLE: The Constitution. The Gettysburg Address. Bill Pullman’s speech in Independence Day. All watershed moments in our country’s history. And yet none address your God-given grilling rights as a barbecue-loving American. So in honor of the Fourth, we’ve drafted some amendments to put into action this weekend. Remember to ratify immediately after reading.
The Freedom to Fry Your Pies
There’s nothing more American than a homemade pie. And there’s nothing more delicious than buttermilk-brined fried chicken. So as a special for the Fourth, you’ll be permitted to order a flaky, gravy-filled, potted version that combines them both from the patriotic bakers at Pie Corps.Don’t forget to salute the delivery guy.
The Right to Bear Tongs
If you’re grilling this weekend, there’s a good chance you’ll have to assemble outside city limits. Here to make the trip worthwhile: Dinosaur Bar-B-Que, who’ll drop by and construct an on-site fire pit. Then they’ll fill said pit with moist brisket. Then they’ll perform a stirring rendition of Neil Diamond’s “Coming to America.” Maybe.
The Power to Mix Condiment & Beer
We’re not saying that you necessarily need to combine Sixpoint Bengali Tiger IPA with jalapeño whole-grain mustard, but just knowing that you can if you want to, well that right there is the American Dream. And the ultimate kosher hot dog topping.
Consensual Quartering of Cheeseburgers
Nobody tells you how to make a hamburger in your own home. But that doesn’t mean what’s good for you (guacamole, Swiss, shoestring onions) is good for your guests. Thankfully, the Counter is willing to transplant their entire burger-building operation to your living room. Imagine a sundae bar. Only medium-rarer.
Permitting Unreasonable Sausage Seizure
You don’t necessarily have record-setting aspirations this holiday weekend, but that won’t keep you from making a stop at Dickson’s Farmstead Meats for a cooler packed with gourmet housemade sausages. You’ll have more than enough Chili Garlic links to grill or to host an unsanctioned eating contest on Coney Island.