Due to significant advancements in the field of Sartorial Botany, we are now able to determine, with some degree of certainty, what a particular floral print of one’s shirt reveals about one’s character. Below, you’ll find the groundbreaking paper publishing our findings on such esoteric genera as the leaf print, the comic book blossom and whatever crazy thing Pharrell wore for Louis Vuitton. Yeah. Haven’t found a name for that one yet...
Floral-Print Classification: Roses.
Where you’ve seen it in the wild: Punk rock shows; Portland; overly literal Valentine’s
Day wardrobes.
What it says about you: “Every rose has its thorn. Including this one. As in, me. I’m
the rose in this metaphor.”
Floral-Print Classification: Tropical.
Where you’ve seen it in the wild: Draped over the back of a pool chair; lackadaisically
unbuttoned on the coast of wherever; Busey’s beach party.
What it says about you: “I’m generally the type of fun, outgoing guy you’d want to
drink daiquiris with at your beach party, so I’m sure my invitation to Busey’s just got lost in the
mail.”
Floral-Print Classification: Micro.
Where you’ve seen it in the wild: As camouflage in botanical garden hide-and-seek; on
type A Brooklynites; adorning your grandmother’s tablecloth.
What it says about you: “I want to stand out while also blending in. It’s a complex
I’m working through.”
Floral-Print Classification: Brushstroke.
Where you’ve seen it in the wild: Black-lit dance clubs; modern art galleries; on display
at modern art galleries as some sort of postmodern what-is-art type thing.
What it says about you: “Let’s take shots.”
Floral-Print Classification: Leaf.
Where you’ve seen it in the wild: Odd Future concerts; skate parks; bonfires involving
acoustic guitars.
What it says about you: “I’m the sort of bro who instead of liking sports and stuff is
really into things you can make out of hemp.”
Floral-Print Classification: Japanese-inspired.
Where you’ve seen it in the wild: On people who sincerely use the word “Zen”;
Pitchfork Music Festival; probably not Japan.
What it says about you: “I look all laid-back and artsy, but I may actually work in
finance.”
Floral-Print Classification: Comic book blossom.
Where you’ve seen it in the wild: Ovadia & Sons’ Instagram. It’s the
“virtual” wild.
What it says about you: “I’m one of maybe four people who attended both NYFW: Men’s
and Comic-Con.”
Floral-Print Classification: Still unknown.
Where you’ve seen it in the wild: On Pharrell Williams’s Louis Vuitton dinner
jacket.
What it says about you: “Hi, I’m Pharrell Williams.”
