Virtual Insanity
Your New Online Wingman

Lately, you've been…busy.

Too busy—and okay, too dignified—to make the sacrifices modern dating requires: scanning Facebook profiles, sending virtual roses, typing semicolon smiley faces to online friends of friends…of friends.

So meet Virtual Dating Assistants, a new service devoted to doing all that pesky online wooing for you.

Think of it as your own personal marketing campaign—they've crunched the numbers, and they know what drives traffic to the product (i.e. you). You'll start with a lengthy telephone interview, with questions about your likes (redheads), dislikes (Raiders fans) and personal philosophy (whiskey). Then the company's so-called 007 Dating Assistants—basically, dudes at computers—will craft your profile, though you might not recognize yourself. (Our header: "Ladies…I'm kind of a big deal.")

From there, your assistant will send you a cluster of possible soul mates, with customized email greetings for each. Handle the correspondence yourself, or let your assistant get her attention with high-percentage, Game-style teases (a zinger about her fingernails, say). They'll also retouch your photos, run telephone conversation scenarios—anything to get you to dinner and drinks with minimal effort. Which reminds us: your assistant will also schedule dates—all you do is show up. Just remember to skim your Pre-Date Executive Briefing first…

Romantic? Hardly. Dishonest? Maybe a little.

Sounds like a first date to us.