Name: The I.V. Doc, arriving in LA next Friday.

Active Ingredients: An online network of medical professionals ready to resuscitate you with an IV of hydrating fluids with anti-nausea and anti-pain medications... immediately. At your place.

Purpose: Reversing the effects of extensive late-night experiments with fernet and tequila.

Uses: Regained sentience; increased mobility; dawning ability to manage any damage control related to what happened in your phone the previous evening.

Warnings: After placing your online order to “Cleanse,” “Refresh,” “Revive” or “Detox,” there will be a quick consultation call from a doctor first. “Help” and “ugh” seem like acceptable responses to anything they ask.

Other Information: After that, the nearest medically competent individual will rush to your door ASAP for a 30-minute treatment.

Side effects may include a newfound ability to brunch.