<strong>Warning:</strong> What you’re about to read involves toxic levels of highly stupid sh*t. If you are sensitive in any way to reading about insipid consumer goods, maybe go pet a kitten or something. This is not for you. Otherwise, please enjoy:
Look, we know we’re living in dangerous times. But has it really come to this? A latex thing—essentially a pelvic condom—that covers the areas of your body immediately surrounding that other area. The good: you’re totally protected against disease. The bad: it’s because no one will touch you.
We live in an age of minor miracles and an age of major narcissism. Therefore: a toaster that transports your selfies out of the realm of Instagram and into the realm of high-carb foodstuffs. It’s a selfie toaster, is what we’re getting at here.
Fear her. Pity her. But whatever you do: don’t underestimate the fun of playing with a Crazy Cat Lady action figure. Let the little ones’ imaginations go feral with this unapologetically bathrobe-clad kitten wrangler and her herd of six scraggly felines. Upsetting smell sold separately.
Some go to extremes to remain youthful. Hence, this terrifying Japanese contraption that straps around the user’s face, thereby strengthening facial muscles and frightening other humans to death.
