Adidas Confirmed: the app that allegedly makes it so that the common man, rather than the bot or bulk
sneaker buyer, can procure some of the brand’s limited-edition, extremely difficult-to-get sneakers. I
myself have been after a pair of NMD Primeknits in a colorway I like for quite a while. A couple weeks ago,
I thought I was on my way. This is my harrowing experience.
September 4
I get an alert that the NMD Primeknit Winter Pack is up on the app for sign-ups. It’s beautiful. You can see it above. I’m picturing how good it’s going to look with joggers and sweats. I’m so happy. I sign up and read the instructions about when I can reserve and where I need to be to do so. I enter my size. I’m getting these things.
September 5
I get to work, visions of these shoes dancing in my head. I set Google Calendar alerts (notifications and emails) for Thursday at 4pm, when I know the reservations will open. I plan to stare at the app and my computer screen for every second of the five minutes before 16:00:00, at which point I’ll spend 0.01 seconds pressing the reserve button.
September 6
Check to make sure notifications are right. Wait.
September 7
Repeat events of September 6.
September 8
Wake up to thoughts of my future shoes. Do some thumb exercises to make sure they’re limber and that their fast-twitch muscles are functioning at peak condition. I will be hitting this reserve button faster than anyone else on earth. 15:55:00 rolls around. Notifications going off everywhere. I’d even set a phone alarm earlier in the day, just in case. I watch. I wait. I watch. I wait. The seconds are ticking down on the app. The reserve button pops up. Faster than, I’m convinced, anyone else in the solar system, I touch the button. I get a message that the app is checking on reservations. It’s checking. Still checking. It stops checking. It’s sorry to tell me that there are no more reservations available. What the motherfuck? How can this be? I feel ill. Son of a bitch. Goddammit. The system is rigged.
In conclusion, Adidas Confirmed will only break your heart.
September 4
I get an alert that the NMD Primeknit Winter Pack is up on the app for sign-ups. It’s beautiful. You can see it above. I’m picturing how good it’s going to look with joggers and sweats. I’m so happy. I sign up and read the instructions about when I can reserve and where I need to be to do so. I enter my size. I’m getting these things.
September 5
I get to work, visions of these shoes dancing in my head. I set Google Calendar alerts (notifications and emails) for Thursday at 4pm, when I know the reservations will open. I plan to stare at the app and my computer screen for every second of the five minutes before 16:00:00, at which point I’ll spend 0.01 seconds pressing the reserve button.
September 6
Check to make sure notifications are right. Wait.
September 7
Repeat events of September 6.
September 8
Wake up to thoughts of my future shoes. Do some thumb exercises to make sure they’re limber and that their fast-twitch muscles are functioning at peak condition. I will be hitting this reserve button faster than anyone else on earth. 15:55:00 rolls around. Notifications going off everywhere. I’d even set a phone alarm earlier in the day, just in case. I watch. I wait. I watch. I wait. The seconds are ticking down on the app. The reserve button pops up. Faster than, I’m convinced, anyone else in the solar system, I touch the button. I get a message that the app is checking on reservations. It’s checking. Still checking. It stops checking. It’s sorry to tell me that there are no more reservations available. What the motherfuck? How can this be? I feel ill. Son of a bitch. Goddammit. The system is rigged.
In conclusion, Adidas Confirmed will only break your heart.
