Culture

The Royal Wedding Marketing Blitz: A Weed Strain and a Bath Mat, to Start

You Will Not Stop People From Making a Buck off the Royal Nuptials

By Hadley Tomicki ·
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This week, Meghan Markle’s nephew announced the introduction of his own Royal Wedding weed strain named Markle’s Sparkle. While it’s tempting to shame such blatant exploitation of celebrity matrimony, his is hardly the most random or far-reaching of products to emerge from the engagement. Rivaling Spaceballs for the sheer amount of marketing gimmickry, here are some of the more arbitrary items you can buy to celebrate Harry and Meghan’s May 19th union.

The Gin: The Queen Charlotte Pub, a tavern not far from Windsor Castle itself, created a gin just for the Royal Wedding. It’s named “Gin&’er” and is available in limited quantities.

The Beer: Or you can always get a pint of Windsor Knot, a beer brewed with local Windsor ingredients in the shadow of the castle, spiced with British barley and West Coast hops to celebrate the trans-Atlantic couple. So hot.

The Scandalous Book: “Meghan, A Hollywood Princess” by Andrew Morton is a newly released biography on the soon-to-be-princess, including insight from her first husband, a Hollywood producer. Anyway, the title sounds shocking if you say it in the right voice.

The Tea: Some historic company like Fortnum & Mason probably has the official duty of making a royal wedding tea for the occasion. We don’t know. All we know is theirs probably won’t be a giant red tin with the royal couple’s faces stamped on it. But this is.

The Tea Towel: We also know this is the official Royal Wedding tea towel. Whatever a tea towel is.

The Bone China: We imagine every grandmum in Coventry will soon be fixing tea and crumpets with these domestic trophies. Mostly because our understanding of the English countryside is based on a few tired stereotypes.

The Mousepad: It could probably double as a tea towel, in a pinch. But is that Markle? Or John Lennon? And why is he so mad?

The Bath Mat: In 1645 you would have been beheaded for stepping on this. Now it's $27.99.

The Earrings: You've got a Markle for your right, a Harry for your left. And really, really nice hair in between. If we may be so bold.

The Hand-Painted Pegs: Wow, the likeness is just uncanny here. Anyway, consider these your leg-up in the Game of Life.

The Half-Dollar: If you're too American for the bone china tea set, you'll do these commemorative JFK half-dollars from the Merrick Mint. You'll consider it an investment and essentially skip saving for your retirement because now you have these babies appreciating next to your Elvis plates.

The Comforter: You like the Royal Couple. No, you really like the Royal Couple. Now you can have all the benefits of sleeping with them. With none of the stray red hairs.

The Socks: Now these are just really creepy. It's hard to explain. But it may be the black ratholes they have for eyes. Or something.

 The Mug: You had a feeling there'd be a mug.

The Other Mug: Yes, surprisingly, there is more than one mug out there. This one features the official design, blatantly ripping off the motif for Madonna's the Immaculate Collection.

Okay, Yes, Yet Another Mug: Because there are more mugs. Lots and lots of mugs.

Hadley Tomicki lives in Los Angeles. He is probably going nowhere on the 10 Freeway this very second.

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