We like to think we killed December.
And come January 1, we felt half-dead.
Mad nights of wassailing and New Year's smooches demanded a jumpstart to a once-unwavering path to good health.
So we contacted Bulletproof Labs, Santa Monica's new multimillion-dollar biohacking facility dedicated to high-performance training shortcuts from the minds behind Bulletproof Coffee.
Though the center embraces progressive workouts and continual testing to strengthen and repair members from a cellular level, we figured we'd check out some of its cool, space-age technology to see how it might help our battered frame.
Join us on this special investigation. Sure, you can be Mulder...
The Apparatus: The Cheat Machine, an all-in-one, motor-driven weight-lifting machine providing adaptive resistance.
The Claim: Achieve the equivalent of a week's worth of workouts in 15 minutes.
The Results: In a mere six to eight reps per exercise, we lifted tens of thousands of pounds. Now we're struggling to move our arms. As desired.
The Apparatus: Cold High Intensity Interval Training, a sort of stationary bike involving cold water and compression.
The Claim: Give your body the benefits of an intense 2.5 hour workout in 21 minutes.
The Results: It was a relaxed ride interspersed with a few quick sprints, leaving our bodies buzzing and our energy unusually high. The next day, we felt more toned and energized. And less cold.
The Apparatus: The Virtual Float Tank, a gyrating spacepod for sensory deprivation, without water and with insaner visuals.
The Claim: It drops your brain into a meditative theta state for deep relaxation and clarity.
The Results: Look, we may or may not have done drugs in the past. This was way cooler. Afterward, we felt abnormally centered, focused, relaxed and positive.
Conclusion: A more effective workout in less time appears quite possible here. We imagine a day when all gyms carry such equipment. For now, we've regained motivation to keep hitting the gym.
The boring one of the past.